*devils-horizon

F R A G I L E

I feel so damn fragile. Like one poke and I might fall from this pedastal and smash into a million pieces, it's so so hard to keep it together and I don't need sarky comments from her, and I don't want her sad little excuses, I don't need this! I already feel like I'm losing it... losing her. Christ, I thought once he was gone it would just be okay again. It's worse. Like I don't even know what she's become anymore. I understand that people change, but not like that. She's cruel. She knows it f*cking hurts too, and yet she seems incapable of showing me any affection in the slightest... I have days when I know we'll be okay, and then there are days when there doesn't seem any point in trying anymore. So yes it f*cking hurts, it f*cking burns don't you know! And I'm mourning, I feel like I'm grieving because she doesn't care anymore... so why should I care? Why the f*ck should I try anymore, I mean it's not like she's not my best friend, it's not like we have history. It's not like I don't give her everything and I'm not there all the damn time for her. I just can't f*cking take this anymore. If there were a way to make her feel exactly what I'm feeling right now, then I would, I would make her see...

Question is... would it really make a difference? So I said I miss her, like I feel I don't know her anymore. So she said; "You'll see me tomorrow..." When she hung up, I cursed; "F*ck you!"

LATELY

Oh gods, where do I start. I think this is the longest month of the entire year. I swear, when you think everything is okay it's only the calm before the storm, gah! Last Wednesday, my best friend [the only one i've the right mind to call that], met a waiter in a restaurant just outside our town. She was with her sister and when Natalie said she wouldn't mind if he asked for her number, Steph got up and asked for it! I don't know how to convey this, but we are close. More than close. We are both 4ys the elder of our younger siblings, so when we have finished university/college, they were just going in. So left at home alone, for the most part we both didn't have jobs and were 'suffering' together. we saw eachother at least every weekend if not during the week too. and you know, you get used to it after a while, it becomes habit doesn't it. so i get severe depression almost a week before my period. it sucks, but i guess i'm used to it. i don't want to eat, i cant sleep, the thought of food makes me want to heave. i fight with her, and we come on at the same time, so we are on wires with eachother.
anyway; she met this guy. in the restaurant, and i knew from the moment she told me that things would be different. i mean suffering with the amount of anxiety and depression that i do about the time of my period was probably the worst time she could have told me! I swear, i would not even wish what i was feeling these last couple of days on my worst enermy! it would be cruel, beyond cruel. if you can't concentrate on anything; your own room becomes your worst enermy, your house feels like a prison and the one person that you know who will make it better is the one person who caused your suffering in the first place. i was an emotional wreck. after all of the texts that i sent her to say that i was there for her when her parents were going througha rough patch; i sent her one saying i was trying to adjust, but it was hard and i was sorry if i was sour to begin with, but it would take time. she told me that i needed to speak to someone else because she wouldn't always be there. She has said this once before; that was a time taht i would much rather forget than anything else; but its when i need her the most and i HATE how much i put my problems onto her, but there is NO ONE else. i don't trust so easily, i never have and i dont think that i ever will. -sigh-
so i've been here, i have i promise. i just haven't been in the sense that i can't bring myself to let go that letting go allows me to create the worst, dark art that you have never seen from me before. Unfortunately for me, she is my muse, if there was a way it could be human form. after her text about me going to speak to someone else, i sent her a really nasty one back and felt immediately guilty afterwards.
I think this morning I am in accpetance of this matter. She hasn't met up with him yet [i cannot say that im not glad, but im not saying that to her face, it would kill her!], i don't know whats going on, which is weird, I always know... we talk about EVERYTHING together; sparing no details.
But I love her, so so fucking much, so I'm always going to be there for her, no matter how many rocky roads we need to take for her to realise that! I just hope she realises it soon, I'm missing this major thing called 'art'!

SMOKE AND ASHES

i used to be good at this. i used to have the ability to make something and it look good, real if you like. i used to be good, used to have the muse to make whatever i wished, whatever came to my head. maybe i don't try hard enough anymore? maybe i'm just losing touch with the art of it all. maybe it wasn't meant to be forever... i think you can lose talent as you go along, like it didn't really exsist in the first place, cause lets face it, i sucked at school, what they would have called art wasn't even worth a look at. i can't personalise anymore either, like i've lost that too. seems like i'm losing everything these days. losing my mind more like, sounds about right. about time too, its not like you could stay sane in this world forever, not like society will let you. its not like he didn't tell me i wasn't good enough anyway, but there's only so much 'bashing' you can take right? maybe its time again? maybe its time to leave it all, drop away and leave the fantasy for reality. it won't get me anywhere in these modern times, like the world has lost hope in everything that means anything. its one thing that i used to swear by, i used to be good at this. if it were paper, i would have burnt it by now, smoke and ashes.. then the sky could have it at least it would have a home, rather than in the hands of someone who really is sh!t afterall.
but you know the truth, i'll sink away within all those who are ten thousand times better, and though i'll try to float, in the end there will be nothing left. don't stop here please, there is nothing to see...