a piece of me.

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devils-horizon's avatar
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A piece of me.

Recently something that someone did (whether intentionally or unintentionally) really bothered me to the point where I started to question why I try so hard to create the artwork that I do. I am a 30 year old woman and I cried at a critique that I received. It was public and pulled apart everything that I had created in one fell swoop. It wasn't asked for and it hit me hard. It was truthful and I believe the person who left it didn't know what they were doing would affect me in such a way, but regardless it has and I'm not proud to have to say this but I have had enough, I can't live like this anymore.

I can't claim to be as good as those amazing artists out there now because I really am not. Digital Art is taken such a massive step in recent years and I haven't been able to keep up because I just don't have the time to dedicate to it anymore. I understand that that makes what I create less than desirable over that of someone who gets to perfect their style on a much more frequent basis.

I started to create all those years ago to escape everything that I was struggling with in real life. Everything that I created in art was something that I couldn't  escape in my waking life. It was (is) a lifeline. A lot of my pieces had hidden meanings, characters had scars and broken pasts because that was me. There was a piece of me in every artwork I submitted.

I'm not a confident person, I have severe panic attacks that get worse with stress and lately that's all my life is made up of. I'm not good at being the adult that I should be and I go through a massive "what the eff am I doing with my life" question daily: the answer is almost always the same, nothing. I am a recovering self harmer who is gay and the size of a house. I never planned to live passed my 30th birthday and don't even get me started on the fact that I turn 31 this year and I still live with my parents. I can't draw manes and tails, I don't produce half of what I want to in art because my self esteem gets in the way. I convince myself that it's not "good enough" to submit, that it's not half what I used to be when my emotional outbursts would produce some amazing scenes inside my messed up head.

8 years ago my best friend decided that she would fuck off out of my life and my art turned dark, really dark, I typography'd more, I started to self harm and lost myself for a while but art was ALWAYS there. Always constant and reliable. I could fall into it and out of it as easily as I wanted. I never wanted the flame to fade, but it did regardless. And soon it was months between submitted creations because I just didn't have the confidence to submit work that was mediocre at best. Every piece needed to be better than the last one I submitted, it became a personal endeavour and I was my own worst enemy. I destroyed a lot of close to finished work because it was too much of "the same".

I have never, in my 10 years on DeviantART, once offered a critique to anyone. The reason for this is because I don't like how it makes me feel like a failure. Because I am a perfectionist and should a critique see something that I "failed" on it makes me feel even less adequate. I don't want ANYONE to feel like that. It's literally the worst feeling in the world.

I've lost the spark and I'm sorry. Because I never wanted to react that way to something so simple as a critique on a mediocre piece of artwork. I'm sorry that my art is a disappointment sometimes, I am only human and I'll try harder, but when I've given all I can and its still not good enough then I'm afraid I'll have to call it a day.

I don't want sympathy or dragons at my door, I just want to create art and be happy doing it. So I am asking respectfully, please no critiques. I am my own worst critic and it's killing me.
© 2016 - 2024 devils-horizon
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christi-chan's avatar
I think, that for many people, especially those that do not create their own art, don't understand how our art reflects us. As for the critique, you clearly state that you DO NOT want them, but obviously that person, like so many others in this world, just don't read. You're a sensitive person. While I cannot say I can relate to that level, I am in the process of understanding because my son is also sensitive. Words really do have a great power, more so than we ever think. It saddens me to know you have been suffering like this, and I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, like a hug or just being in your presence so you're aren't alone. So in the end, just know that you're in my thoughts and I hope that things do get better. I enjoy looking at your work. :hug: